The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My vagina just clenched in fear
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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