Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
