Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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