I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
