I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
