I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Damn victory sex feels great
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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