I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
