Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just googled if crying burns calories
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
