I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Let the clothes fall where they may.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
