When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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