Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize