why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
