I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
