Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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