Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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