do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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