Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
