some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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