I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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