I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
