your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
