as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
