Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I faked an abortion last night.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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