I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
