Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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