dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Semen is not good for contacts.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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