no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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