some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
where are you?
Hypothermia
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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