Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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