My friends, they love my intelligence
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize