These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
