I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
that may or may not have been my penis.
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