my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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