I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
