I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize