Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
