Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
