so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
