broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Randomize