Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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