I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
