So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
