u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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