Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
