Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
