Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
