Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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