I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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