how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
