I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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