we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
