my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
