You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
