She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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