Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
