I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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