: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
