Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
