You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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