My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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