I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize