My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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