just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
