we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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