you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
