And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
