so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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